#itty bitty energizer bunny from hell

[theabominableblogger]

Rewatching “Transformers”

Yep, the Michael Bay one.  Because I felt like it and it’s the only Transformer movie I enjoy as a guilty pleasure.  Dab.

I like how they put the transformer noise over the shooting stars for the Paramount logo.

BEFORE TIME BEGAN, THERE WAS THE CUBE.

I will give this movie a little bit of credit:  the music over Optimus’ explanation of the AllSpark is not bad.

Actually the music in this entire movie isn’t that bad.

Man, Peter Cullen isn’t getting paid enough in these movies.

Yeah, Tyrese (Gibson), earn that paycheck!

Oh my God, the color filter in this movie.

Traits of a Michael Bay movie:  America, America, helicopters, fighter jets, blue, orange, green, yellow, aqua, the army, sparks, street lamps, America, esplosions, some shady shit in the government, lens flares, product placement, really really quick pan shots, a shady government agent covering up some secret government conspiracy, technicolor smoke, slow-mo shots of something being thrown up in the air behind someone, slow-mo shots of something AMERICA, and a whole bunch of metal

Waaiiiitttt... how come the wife of the Josh Duhamel character looks like Mary Winchester from “Supernatural?”

Compared to the other movies in this series that I’ve seen (Revenge of the Fallen and Age of Extinction), this one actually feels a little more... slow... like they take more time to explain things instead of just throwing explosion porn at you.  I mean, they still do in this movie and I consider this one to be the un-laziest in this series.

Man, I remember when this movie first came out

WAAiiitttt.... why do I recognize the history teacher?  Isn’t he Dr. Taub on House?

“The ice is freezing faster than it’s melting!”  What?

NO SACRIFICE, NOOO VICTORYYY!!

This history is full of the most immature teenagers I’ve ever seen.

ELEVENTH GRADE?!?  THESE ARE THE OLDEST ELEVENTH GRADERS I’VE EVER SEEN

“What would Jesus do?”  I can still quote like 50% of this movie.  That’s sad.

How do they not notice the 1977 Camaro driving into the lot by itself?

RIP Bernie Mac

So much yellow in this scene alone.

Why does a used car lot have a petting zoo?

Another question I have is why Bumblebee decided to have the Autobot symbol on the horn.  Usually Autobots have their Autobot symbols on their chestplate so if you think about that, that’s just weird.

Jon Voight!

RACHAEL TAYLOR!  TRISH WALKER!  I forgot she was in this movie!

Trish, get back to your radio show!

Sam, why is your username LadiesMan217?  If you’re trying to sell stuff on eBay, which probably no one uses anymore (so that dates this movie by a long shot), have a username that doesn’t scream “Hey, I’m a egotistical dick.”

God, I hate the parents in this movie.

My dad used to have a lot of audio files from this movie and one of them was “Wow.  You are so cheap.”

“Why don’t you use those magic voodoo powers and get us the hell out of here?”  Man, I forgot about that line.

I forgot how cringy awkward Sam is in this.  Jesus Christ.

Why is Megan Fox wearing a scarf when it’s shown to be like ninety degrees out?

“OK.  You’ll call me.”  We quote that all the time in my house it’s not even funny.

The little bee air freshener says “Bee-otch”

Megan Fox uses her teeth a lot when she talks.

Oh my God Sam stop talking.

Wow, Michael Bay absolutely could not keep it in his pants when it came to Megan Fox in this movie. 

There’s only three female characters in this movie and Michael Bay gets freaky deaky filming-wise over Megan Fox

“You think I’m shallow?”  Yes.  You’re not sneaking that past me, movie.

*dramatic drum*  THE PENTAGON!

OK, I agree with the Air Force One attendant, Ding Dongs are disgusting.

Couldn’t you use one pan-up to Frenzy after the Ding Dong stops rolling instead of having three cuts to even show it?

AN:  I’m only 30 mins in and this movie is almost 2 and a half hours long

Oh my gosh, the filter again.  They made Trish’s eyes REALLY BLUEEE

*imitates Frenzy as he slams his head on the screen in frustration*

Why is Sam’s profile picture look like his mugshot?

If the dad is the head of the neighborhood watch, his tired ass should be fired by the town council.

Wow, another thing that dates this movie:  a flip phone.

Obligatory mean dogs chained to a wall of some sort.

But seriously though, who leaves their dogs in an empty land fill during the night?

How does Sam not notice that no one is driving his car? 

Wait, at first, they (the Department of Defense) didn’t know what the hacking was caused by and now they think it’s a SpiderBot virus?

Isn’t “living organism” an oxymoron?

That’s a great question to ask a cop:  “Are you on drugs?”

Why is the little Arab boy that travels with the Josh Duhamel character one of the best actors in this movie?

I don’t mean to be racist, but the bit where the Josh Duhamel character calls the India outsource center always cracks me up.  I don’t know why it does.

Oh, the Josh Duhamel character’s name is Lennox.  OK.

“Spooky 3-2, use 1-0-5 shells.  Bring the rain.”  The best line in this movie.  Hands down.

Me and my sister pretty much quote this entire scene where Maggie goes to consult Glenn about the signal, including the “SHUT UP GRANDMAAAA!” and “GET OFF MY GRANDMAMA’S CARPET!”

“We’re not told where they’re going.”  Of course because the Hover-round takes them where they wanna go.

That’s the same hologram dude who was the helicopter Decepticon in the beginning and now he’s in the police car.

Dude, the random rock music?  What?

Barricade just said “AIYAIYAIAYAIYAIIII!” as a battle cry.  I can’t take that seriously.

Obligatory trailer music at a heroic moment.

“What?!?”  BA DA DAAA!!

“This is a hundred more times cooler than Armaggedon!  I swear to God!”  Don’t think you can get by with that self-deprication, Michael Bay.  We know.

“‘Cuse me, are you the tooth fairy?”  I’m sorry, but that bit’s really cute in my opinion.

Man, by the time the other Autobots transform, Optimus just finishes transforming.  And he took like a full minute to transform compared to the ten second panning shot of the others transforming.

I know it probably isn’t him, but it sounds like Steve Blum performing as Ironhide.

“His vocal processor was damaged” Ratchet says as he points a freaking laser at Bumblebee’s “throat”

NO NOT THE DOG!

Dude, it isn’t about measuring whether or not you’re guilty.  I’d eat a whole plate of donuts.

“DON’T TALK TO ME!  DON’T TALK TO ME, CRIMINAL!”

Yep, sure, this asteroid sized projectile falling out of the sky is an airplane.  And this guy is the head of the neighborhood watch?

“BAD MOJO...”

Sam:  Be subtle

Autobots:  OK (proceeds to trash yard and park themselves in the middle of it)

Optimus rubbing his faceplate in frustration is totally me

*DRAGS FACE ACROSS DESK IN FRUSTRATION AT THE BAD AND POORLY TIMED SEX JOKE* 

“The parents are very irritating.  Shall I dispose of them?”  YES.

Hello John Turturro.

Wait, this whole movie takes place within a week?

BUMBLEBEE, STOP LUBRICATING THE MAN!

GET THIS THING TO STOP, HUH?

*Sam and Mikaela fall off of Optimus*  Sorry, but you two would have shattered your ribcages after that.

“I bought a car.  Turned out to be an alien robot.  Who knew?”  They should have made a TV spot centered around that quote.

“NBE?”  “Non-Biological Extraterrestrial.  Keep up with the acronyms here.”  And that is how I remembered what an acronym is.

To be honest, I don’t like Charlie Adler Starscream that much.  Get me Steve Blum or Tom Kenny then I’ll be good.

What kind of Nokia phone is that?

I actually like the effect of the AllSpark collapsing in on itself to make a smaller version of itself

Man, I’m not even a fan of Hugo Weaving as Megatron.

I like that shot of Megatron before he goes “You fail me yet again, Starscream” where he just clicks his fingers together.

*The team still at Hoover Dam barricade the door*  They got a cave troll!

The truck Decepticon takes down Optimus via flying tackle hug

BUDDY!!!!!

Now see, why does Optimus have a sword?

No, not the Orpheum!

Now why is Jazz sitting there still in car mode just watching Bumblebee get his legs cut off?

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!?  YOU WANT A PIECE?!?

NO!  I WANT TWO PIECES!

“Megatron.”  “PRIIMMEEE!!!”

They keep reusing sound effects from the beginning in this battle

Oh no, not... Mountain Dew cans... *shrugs*

Did Megatron just yell “SURPRISE!” when he burst into that abandoned building?

He must be great at birthday parties

*Barricade gets shot in the Spark and dies*  Oooh, right in the arc reactor!

AN:  God, there’s only twenty minutes left.  I can do this.

Starscream does virtually nothing in these series.

“Oh, so unwise.”  MR. ANDERSON...

That one human Megatron flicked away is totally dead.

IT’S JUST YOU AND ME, MEGATRON.

NO, IT’S JUST ME, PRIME!!

“Armor’s just weak under the chest.”  So let’s aim the aiming laser at the Decepticon’s hand.  That sounds good.

That bit of Lennox driving the motorcycle and sliding under the Decepticon to kill it is actually pretty awesome

*Megatron dies with choking noises*  And so, Stanley Yelnats killed Elrond with the AllSpark

Now how are Optimus and Megatron brothers?  Unless there’s some cut backstory where they were like best friends until Megatron was like “You know what?  Being a Decepticon sounds cool.  Imma go do that.”  and Optimus was like “YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!”

I’ve heard rumors that there’s like 40 minutes of backstory that they cut from “The Last Knight”

Linkin Park!

*proceeds to sing all of “What I’ve Done”*